The Thing Is June
Don’t you love it when people say “you need to take better care of yourself”. Especially when it’s someone who isn’t a mum, or was in the stone ages when they were raising their kids.
They have their perfect outfit, perfect makeup and shoes, polished nails, styled hair, nice tanned, toned body. It’s enough to make any woman want to stay home never to be seen in the flesh again.
The thing is, sure, I loved it when I could maintain my physically appearance, but man it’s hard work.
So here are my mum hacks.
Dry shampoo is my saving grace for dirty hair. This stuff can go on for days and give your hair that kinda fresh looking wash look. Once your head starts getting really itchy, it’s not nits, it’s just chemical burn, and you have to wash your hair now. Five days is about the maximum time, I’ve found.
Hairy legs? Pants, pants are a girl’s best friend, and with the heat up here, long skirts are too! Much faster to whip one of those babies on, buy non iron ones if you are super lazy like me.
Toenails? I’ve gotten about seven layers of paint on before my nails looked like a really bad reno. By this stage, it’s closed-in shoe time. Then there is no way you are getting that off, so go to a non-English speaking shopping centre nail bar where they can talk about your dirty, mangey feet without you knowing (but you know), you may have to pay extra. Then get Shellac, you’ll get another three to four months before the nail has grown so much it looks too bad!
Ladyscaping. Bootleg undies. Holds it all in. Sometimes you may have to tuck in the sides, but hey, it’s just like long hair under a cap. If you do finally book in that wax appointment, they will trim first. Don’t do what I did and leave your undies on thinking you’re being all discreet. Hot wax sticks to undies and your partner will literally have to rip your undies off when you get home, waxing second time round with an already red and raw beaver is not fun. Last note on this topic, throw those undies out. Washing out the wax doesn’t work. You’ll put those wax contaminated undies on again and without seeing the wax, it will heat up and when it’s toilet time you’re stuck again, and you’ll be heavy breathing trying to rip those undies off your fresh stubble in the work toilet. Then you’ll throw them in the bin and realise you have to free flap it for the rest of the day. A friend told me this story of course.
Mums we all do it. We try so hard to look after everyone else, and not spend money on looking after ourselves. I am trying to get better at this stuff, so this month, join me, let’s burn those 5-year-old candles, and bathe in the bath bombs we got three Mothers Day’s ago. And use the stinky lavender soap. Every Sunday, rain, hail or red week- it’s mum’s night to spend an hour to have a bath, do her lady scaping, washing her hair, and making herself all pretty. So bugger off and leave us alone for an hour. Who’s with me?